Wow, I feel amazing. Finding God has proven that it’s not simply imagination, but imagination can help with it. What do you say of something as profound as God? You can say that God is the Universe’s experience of itself, so that’s why experiencing God is being harmonious with your surroundings and being harmonious with your surroundings is to be experiencing God. But there’s so much more to God than that.
I walk, and I’m not alone. There’s profound Presence, and positivity in every perception. It is a living God, and adds life to every perception. It’s like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cool day. Deliciously warm, good feelings. Before this, it was a constant battle against boredom, or even if I was being entertained, there was a hollowness to it all.
My guru Neem Karoli Baba, Gosh it feels good to say that, said that to see a picture of him is for him to see you too, and if he sees you, he’ll work magic in your life.
I’ve felt great feelings, but lots of them were almost too much. I’ve “stunk of zen” which is where someone just can’t help but talk and talk and talk about how much zen they feel and how great it is and yeah, you get it. The interwebs seem to be the most appropriate place for me to do that. But the point is that when it’s stinking you’re not helping anyone by saying how great it is, because that doesn’t make them feel it. That and some other feelings have been almost too intense and slowed down my writings. God the Father isn’t too intense.
What I did to find God was…well, it started two years ago. I was in a rough place at a music festival the day before it opened and I met a group of people and felt comfortable enough to just pour my heart out about all the problems I was facing, and they asked if they could pray for me, and I was already spiritual enough to be like “hell yeah!” or rather “sure.” But! They prayed for every little thing I brought up and game me this beautiful great prayer and it worked as much as I believed it would. I opened my heart up to Christianity and it was really cool and when I got back home, I lost the whole vibe. Couple years pass and I experiment with Christianity and learn of cool churches and ways to look at it, like the model in Integral Christianity: The Spirit’s Call To Evolve, and cool ways to approach it. Some of what’s in the Bible is metaphor or wisdom stories, it’s not necessarily meant to all be taken literally. So that’s cool. And I had really great conversations with some Mormon missionaries during that time, and learned lots of cool stuff.
I learned that Zen is essentially the Holy Spirit. That’s cool. So Zen Buddhism is about finding powerful connection to that one aspect of God.
Someone, a monk, told me that it’s not just about talking to God, but mostly it’s about listening to God. So I’m at home and I decide to have a conversation with God. “Dear God?” I say, looking up to the sky, listening, and I feel all this love. “Hi!” And I burst out laughing because I felt such love coming down. Best conversation with God. Ever. But then I lose it because my friends have their problems with Christianity and I felt like I had to BE A CHRISTIAN, and I wasn’t sure I liked that idea. I didn’t like the idea of identifying with that.
I was at a party and wrestled with a friend and stayed up super late. Next day I’m sleep deprived, hungover, and beat up and I’m super out of it. I’m getting these dark feelings. That night, hanging with friends, I burst out laughing as I realize how stupid that darkness is. But then it comes back some and I’m lying in bed and feel like if I don’t do something, I’m going to have really wretched dreams. I don’t want that, and finally I think, “Fine! God, come to me!” I realize then that I don’t have to be a walking billboard for God. I don’t have to preach. I can just have my personal connection with God. And I don’t have to have read all the bible or know all that stuff, I can still find God, and have God. And God came then, not in any literal sense but in the sense that I could feel a loving presence. And that negative energy just went away, and hasn’t returned. And I haven’t felt alone since.
That’s the biggest thing. I’ve hung out with friends and drank and partied because otherwise I’d feel alone. If something cool was happening and I couldn’t find a way to get there, I’d feel like my time was a waste. I internally judged a lot of my experience, feeling like beautiful things were worthless. And now it’s like it all shimmers. It’s held suspended in beautiful meaningfulness and significance. I’ve avoided my room because when I was alone, everything was worthless. So I couldn’t read books and enjoy them. This was a major aspect of why I couldn’t work. I also couldn’t focus on any particular thing for very long unless is was working on The Mighty Pen, but that was also low quality and I had to be around people to do that too.
The blessing is huge. I feel so happy. Ram Dass said, “Your problem is that you’re caught up in your unworthiness” or something like that. You’re not unworthy of God’s love. You can find it and it can find you, and the blessings are incredible and oh so numerous. Now I can read and hang out at my place and be productive and have fun and all these things that used to be work now are easy and fun. Even gaming was work before. Now it’s fun. Whew. Thank the maker.